Not prepared for the funeral

This afternoon I attended a Buddhist pre-cremation service for Frances, a 67-year old member of my "Spirited Survivors" support group. She was diagnosed 2 years ago and had serious complications from her cancer treatment, and apparently died of a stroke on Saturday. I was really saddened to hear of her death and at the ceremony, tried not to start crying when giving my condolences to her family. But as we were saying our last goodbyes to Frances, filing past her body, other women in our survivors group started crying and then I lost it. She was the first person to die in the group, which was first started about 4-5 years ago by a small group of women diagnosed about the same time and were being treated by the same doctor.

As survivors, we all live with the cloud of uncertainty over us whether we'll have a recurrence or a new cancer, but we also try to live with hope that we did our best to fight our cancers and live a full life. Seeing someone you personally know lose their battle against a similar illness makes you think about your own mortality. Frances was the same age as my mom -- too young to go. She was looking forward to getting better to be able to visit her daughter & only grandkid in California. But they ended up having to attend her funeral instead.

Lots of things have happened since my last entry -- gosh, I wish I was more consistent with my writing! My 20th high school reunion was in mid-July, right before my 38th birthday. It was great to see old friends & see how much we've aged, hear about their lives. It was also sad to hear of & be reminded of those who died. Another classmate is disabled & battling depression, but managed to make it from Honolulu. I was still quite bald & wore a scarf, so I had to be quite honest when someone would ask, "How are you?" because they probably want to know why I'm bald. I enjoyed myself and Pete & I actually won some KTA grocery gift certificates for being the 1st to run up to the stage when prizes were being awarded if you had 86 cents (since we were the class of 1986) and if you had a receipt from Walmart, KTA or Long's Drugs.

My hair is really growing back fast! About 6 weeks after my last treatment, in early August, I started to feel some fuzz on my scalp. I'll have to try to post a photo of my fuzzy hairdo. I encourage people to feel its texture because it won't happen again! I don't wear my bandanas anymore. Also, I was in Honolulu this past weekend to get fitted for a prosthesis and mastectomy bras from a vendor based at the Queen's Medical Ctr. Kaiser will pay only 50% of the prosthesis (every 2 years) and 50% for up to 3 bras. Thanks to the American Cancer Society, they picked up the cost of my airfare there. I was getting tired of using a foam insert & feeling "unbalanced" all the time. Joan, the fitter, was really nice & gave me 2 bras & a silicon prosthesis for free since they were donated/returned to her by women who no longer needed them after breast reconstruction. Although the prosthesis seems a bit heavy, it'll work for now. I'm thinking of buying a "self-supporting" one, meaning it works by sticking to your chest directly w/mini suction cups so there's no need for special bras. However, if you get sweaty, it'll slip out of your bra if you bend over or move around too much. I was pretty excited to start using my new bras & breast form in order to look & feel more "natural". Still debating & doing research on reconstruction though -- not w/implants, but w/my own tissue, perhaps when the timing is right...