2nd to Last Treatment!

Today's treatment went OK -- Kailee woke up at 4:45 am, wailing quite loudly again, so we put him in our bed & it took a while to get him back to sleep. So all three of us went to Kaiser for my 8:20 am appointment. While I was getting my mini-physical, Pete & Kailee went to pick up lunch for me (a bento lunch box w/spam, teriyaki beef & fried chicken over rice & some salmon poke from KTA Supermarket -- yum!). Dr. Ang, who performed the mini-physical was young, & she revealed she was treated for breast cancer herself at 33 years old, a few years ago. I asked if she had kids & she said unfortunately, the chemo pushed her into permanent menopause, even with the Lupron shots (she theorized that her own mom went into early menopause naturally, so maybe it was in her biology that the chemo would do the same). I liked her, she was upbeat & encouraged me to just get through this & worry about other issues later. But I couldn't help wondering if I too wouldn't be able to have another child naturally. The oncology nurse mentioned she knew someone who adopted 2 girls from China after invitro procedures failed. Pete's cousin on Oahu also adopted 2 adorable girls from China -- they look just like sisters! We're willing to go that route if we can afford it -- overseas adoptions can run about $15,000 or more! Or we could try being foster parents & adopting locally too.

So I sat in the chemo room from about 9am to 2:45 pm -- boy was my butt getting numb. I had to go to the bathroom 3 times, dragging the IV pole w/me -- luckily the bathrooms are right outside the chemo room. Got to chat w/2 other women during my treatment. But with the Benadryl, I got so sleepy, so I napped much of the time & couldn't write in my journal or read, but did watch CNN, which kept reporting on the kidnapping of an attorney, which was caught on a security camera, and later she was found alive shortly. Anyway -- I didn't have control of the remote, so it was getting too sensationalist after a while when they kept analyzing the story to death.

Will see my oncologist tomorrow. Been lining up playdates & baby sitting while Pete's gone so I can get out of the house or to take a nap. He's now on a plane to Nebraska to score AP economic exams & will be back on June 9th. Hope I survive once again being a temporary single mom. At least my mom can help in the evenings to watch Kailee a bit so I can take a shower & clean up after dinner. It's so nice to hear that people are willing to help babysit Kailee -- good thing he doesn't mind less familiar faces. He's walking a lot more now -- it's just so funny to see him stumble around & land on his butt all the time --he just gets right back up. He really helps to keep me "present."

Other Side Effects

I've been trying to research what to do about the neuropathy I'm feeling from the Taxol treatments. I hope maybe my acupuncturist can help through treatments or herbs or other supplements. I finished the 4 AC treatments & have 2 out of 4 Taxol left. There's constant mild tingling & numbness in my feet and hands. It's not painful, but uncomfortably annoying (hard to sleep!) & it may or may not be reverseable. :-(

Luckily I've been handling side effects better than expected -- I'm glad I'm not wasting away and on bed rest or something. Maybe because I'm younger and was in generally good health before my diagnosis. Being bald & having black fingernails & toenails, are just temporary external side effects. However, I'm in "chemopause" -- I'm given monthly Lupron shots to shut down my ovaries in order to protect them from chemo treatments (we're hoping to have another child after the "wait & see" period of about 2-3 years after my treatments). I experience hot flashes sometimes, so I need to go get some black cohosh to deal with them. I'm also taking Gabapentin, which is to help deal w/joint & muscle pain from the Taxol. I recently read that Gabapentin can also help reduce hot flashes in women undergoing chemo, so that's a good thing too! Also, I'm getting much less hesitant about giving myself Neupogen shots now. They're to increase my white blood cells, but they give me throbbing aches in my lower back, so I stop them when it's too painful. I initially injected my thighs, but caused myself bruises, so I switched to my abs (more fat there!) to make it easier.

This past Saturday, I went to an American Cancer Society sponsored luncheon for women who have had mastectomies. A certified fitter from Honolulu came to sell products like silicon breast protheses, & special swimsuits & bras that had pockets for breast forms. It was kind of weird to see all these silicon breast forms laid out on display. I'm pretty small chested, so it was hard to find something ideal. She recommended I wait a bit after my treatments in case my weight changes. Kaiser will pay 50% of a prothesis (which costs several hundred dollars) & 50% of up to 3 bras. No big hurry anyway, just like deciding on breast reconstruction surgery. I was the youngest woman there, but there were a couple other women who were even "newer" survivors. The attendees went around saying their names & how long it's been since their diagnosis or initial treatment & they ranged from 8 weeks to over 20 years. I guess you're considered a survivor if you're still breathing after your initial treatment. But what are you called if you have a recurrence or a new cancer?

Recommended Reading: Cancer Made Me a Shallower Person

A few weeks ago, a friend, a health educator at the San Francisco Dept. of Public Health, sent me a copy of "Cancer Made Me a Shallower Person: a Memoir in Comics" by Miriam Engelberg, a San Francisco cartoonist. I 1st saw her cartoons entitled "Planet 501c3", very funny & astute observations about the world of non-profits (which I had been working in for a number of years). I both laughed out loud and cried reading this memoir, many of her observations & experiences about her own breast cancer experience hit home. I would highly recommend it for both breast cancer patients/survivors and those who care about them.

When people say I'm brave dealing with cancer, I have to say that Miriam is even braver to bare it all out in a very public way. I know other people would prefer to keep their diagnosis private. It's just so hard to face issues of one's own mortality. This past weekend, a mother lost her life trying to save her son from drowning off a Kauai beach. She had rescued one son & went back to try save her other son, whose body still hasn't been found. I was just so sad hearing about it. I would do everything I could to save my children from any harm, and going through chemo to increase my chances to live longer wasn't really a "choice", just like that mother who had to save her children, you do what you have to do.

So I try to live in the present as much as possible. If I think too much about the possibility of a recurrence and having my life cut short, it would be too depressing & stressful. But everyday, when I face the mirror, the void & scar where my left breast used to be and my bald head are constant reminders. A friend asked me if I'm "out of the woods" since I had negative lymph nodes & my tumor was assessed at stage 1. I told her no, because there was a possibility that undetectable microscopic cancerous cells might've migrated elsewhere, that's why aggressive chemo was recommended. Are people ever "cured" of cancer? In most cases, it's more accurate to say they're in remission, since you have to remain vigilant for years after the initial treatment. I've met several other cancer patients during my chemo sessions whose cancer had metasticized to other organs, and another whose breast cancer came back after 25 years.

Today I had another follow-up with my Kaiser oncologist, Dr. Norman Levey, who flies in once a week from Oahu. He recommended keeping my port-a-cath in for several years since the greatest likelihood of a recurrence is during the 1st 3 years after treatment, and it would save me from having another one implanted. I asked if I needed to do any MRIs other other scans, but he said I wouldn't need to undergo high-tech scans unless blood tests or other symptoms warranted them. After my 1st Taxol treatment last Friday, which took nearly 5 hours to administer, my nausea isn't as bad as from the AC treatments. My appetite is close to normal, but I think neuropathy, or nerve damage, is starting up because I'm feeling weird tingling sensations in my feet (hopefully it's reversable after the treatments). I'm taking medication to prevent joint & muscle pain from the Taxol, but it makes me drowsy. I still have to be concerned about my white blood counts & infections, so I still inject myself with Neupogen but stop when I get back aches. I told my doctor that I've stopped taking mushroom supplements since they might be affecting my liver enzyme tests.

Kailee also had his 1 year check-up today. He couldn't get the chicken pox vaccine since it's a live vaccine & I might get infected from him if I haven't already been exposed in childhood. My mom couldn't remember & neither could I, so to play it safe, they'll delay the shot for another few months. But overall, his check-up went OK. He's 20 lbs. now & somewhat "slim" but healthy. We're very thankful for that!

Baldness...A New Sensation

I've been meaning to post something for a while, but haven't had the time to type out my thoughts in a meaningful way for my blog. Now that Kailee's down for a nap, here it goes...

Well, I was hoping my hair would just thin out, not fall out, but I was warned that my type of chemo would affect my hair as well as my nails (started to turn black). Right after my 2nd chemo treatment, my hair started falling out in clumps, clogging the shower drain, getting all over my pillow & the floors. It was a bit distressing to see the tub so covered with my hair, having my hairbrush just rake off my hair and to start seeing bald spots on my scalp. So I made another appointment with Lani on March 30th to shave my head & to style the donated wig I got from the American Cancer Society. Lani said she hoped she wouldn't cry while shaving off my hair! I was touched by her sadness about my situation and tried to be upbeat during the appointment.

So maybe readers of this blog can comment/vote on my new look from the pictures above (unfortunately, I can't figure out how to adjust the picture positions after inserting them) -- so which one looks best on me?
1. The Buddhist Nun
2. The Biker Chick Bandana
3. The Raquel Welch Short Hair Wig Do

Certainly, being bald saves me lots of time in the bathroom. I still wear a swim cap when swimming so I don't have to put sunscreen on my scalp. On Kailee's birthday on May 5th, my sister-in-law Ellen shaved Pete's & Kailee's head in solidarity of my hair loss, so now we're the "Bolo Head Family"!